Bad Hair Day

I dread washing my hair these days. It's a reminder that what is happening is real. I massaged my scalp last night, otherwise I would not produce enough oil to require washing. Unfortunately I cannot go to bed with greasy hair. I put a tiny dab of shampoo on my hand and rub it into my hair. I can feel every ridge on my scalp. My hair is so thin but small clumps still poured out into the tub. My foot quickly shoved the hair down the drain, seeing it makes it worse. I tried to relax so that I could try and keep what exists in place, but my heart just pounds harder. I'm not sure if it has to cycle out or if I am just getting worse (alopecia totalis). I can feel tiny spikes of hair starting where they injected the cortisone. Not sure if its false hope or not.