Transitional Me

I noticed with the weather so cold and dry, my hair is really starting to fall out again. My elbows itch too. When I first noticed my symptoms, my elbows were covered with eczema. It has went away and now it might be back a little. I am so conscious of everything going on now and taking extra good care of myself. Aileen cut my hair even shorter yesterday. The cut is cute but I hate it on me. It might be OK if I didn't see my scalp, but it is what it is now. I am just getting used to the new me, transitional me, I guess.

I bought a really cool headband at Ulta. It has golden blonde hair attached to it, straight and perfect. If you saw me 2 months ago-you would think this was my normal hair (but better). It looks really cool and I wore it out on Saturday night and loved it. I decided to make it my "going out" hair. Getting ready will be snap!

Today I am wearing my other wig. Blonde with layers. After the initial self-counsciousness, I am OK with it. If anything it looks too good to be my hair! Genae said someone told her that "every woman should have a great wig in her wardrobe". Now I know what that woman meant. It is more fun and easier than I thought. 2 seconds and you are done. Viola!

Giving Up (but in a good way)

I have done as much research as I can possibly handle and I finally satisfied I am doing, have done, enough. After examining my recent doctor's bills, I decided that I have spent enough too. After insurance, cortisone shots still cost $250 and really only helps to stimulate growth. Plus, it's no guarantee. That is money I can spend on a plane ticket to sun my scalp somewhere warm and relax. The only worthwhile treatment at this point is to continue with the therapist to help work on my issues of anxiety and how I handle stress. I never want to get to a point again where I feel overwhelmed. I feel really good about my decision and relieved that I can focus more on things I can actually do something about--like planning a beach vacation...yay!

Just Tired

I am just kind of burned out right now. I am no longer worried about regaining my hair, I can feel spikes all over my scalp indicating it coming back. But I am feeling so tired about it all. Part of me is just tempted to just be done with it: not to read any more books or articles, no more daily scalp treatments, just relax and wait patiently for this to blow over. I keep looking for new lotions, new shampoos, alternative treatments, anything to fight for my remaining strands. It's tiring and getting expensive. It's not in my nature to be passive but it would definitely be the easiest and least time consuming. But that is just me today. I will probably feel differently in an hour or two.

It's all connected!

It seems so weird but when I first got diagnosed and they recommended therapy, I didn't see the point. I went with an open mind because I felt so desperate for a cure but I didn't really believe that it had anything to do with the alopecia. I am now really believing that the holistic healing directly applies to me. According to Grossbart's findings, something like 95% of alopecia outbreaks are brought on by stress. While I might be genetically pre-disposed, the tension and tightening of the scalp could have been all my doing (not intentionally of course). So in that case--how do I turn it around? There was an exercise in the book that asked you to think about 10 things that are positive or have improved since my outbreak. Would you believe I had listed like 15? I couldn't believe it! This inconvenience has forced me to focus on so many other things in my life that I do feel about myself and my life. I probably would not have admitted it before but I used to have a lot of negative self talk. There was always this constant pressure within me to be perfect and have my life totally organized. Now that my secret is out--I am not perfect, I can't do it all myself--it can finally move on and just accept myself the way I am.

I have also been reading Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. She echos much of what Grossbart says regarding disease and emotions. She says that hair loss is usually associated with anger and tension. By letting go of the anger, tension, negativity, you can allieviate the scalp and beging to heal everywhere. It makes so much sense. I needed the books and the therapy to get me to that point.

After reading and processing this, I woke up today with almost no hairloss. Yay!

What your skin is trying to tell you

I am currently reading the book Skin Deep by Ted Grossbart. Having only just started, I am already fascinated. Grossbart is a clinical psychologist and has discovered that there is a strong link between emotions and skin conditions. Grossbart sights patterns in patients history to their particularly bad outbreaks of eczema and acne etc. I find this so interesting. He even likens emotional issues to allergic reactions from a bee sting. People who are allergic to bee venom have been stung so much in the past that even one more little sting could cause serious, even deadly, harm. This could be true of those who suffer from chronic skin conditions. Which basically means that outbreaks can be triggered by cummulative stress, not necessarily one traumatic incident. It is interesting to me because I have never had alopecia in the past, but I have had a lot of stress in my life. Incidents this summer were really bothersome and I was pretty stressed. Perhaps this is my bodies way of saying--you have been through enough. Either way--I am listening to my body now! I am trying to relax more and not take on too much, even in my recovery.

Pins and Needles

Yesterday I went to an acupuncturist. It was kind of spontaneous but I thought I would give it a try. The place is Lincoln Square Acupuncture and they fit me in right after work. The staff was really nice and calming. I sat in this chair with a heated blanket while I got my health consultation. Nothing they told me seem to conflict with any western medicine practices and I wanted to give it a try. The woman stuck these tiny needles in my arms, legs and feet. She basically touched me a few times and it was over. The needles are so tiny that you do not even feel them. After she was done she told me to sit and relax for a 30 minutes which I was glad to do. Next she took to me to another room where she tapped my head with a tiny hammer. That didn't hurt either. Her voice was very soothing and she recommended staying away from spicy foods. They also gave me some herbs and I paid on their sliding scale which was a relief as well. She said that their philosophy of Chinese medicine would help return me to a state of health. The nap part alone was worth the money. The experience was really refreshing. I have plans to return and get my chi on, or cleared, or whatever. If my hair grows back I will consider it an investment. I don't mean to come off as a non-believer, I believe the body to be amazing and have many self-healing qualities. If this works I would definitely consider going there for other ailments. But, one thing at a time.

Acupuncture: Can it help?

Being Grateful

Amy suggested that I put the word GRATEFUL around my house as a reminder to be grateful of all of the positives in my life. I went around with my yellow post-its and stuck them to the usual suspects: fridge, microwave, mirror, armoire. It really works. I see those post-its all over and I have to look at them. First of all because I am such a neat freak and I want to tear them off the surfaces. Secondly, they are bright and my eye is drawn to them several times a day. I actually think about how grateful I am at that moment for everything in my life that is going right. Today those notes annoyed me! Today, being grateful is a challenge. My hair is withering away and I cannot hide in my bed until its over. There is so little I can actually do. I still have to go to work and function like normal, feeling anything but. Yesterday I was positive and thought "When this is all over--I am going to feel like Wonder Woman--so healthy and strong from all of my treatment and self care." But I am still not Wonder Woman, not yet. Today I will try to be thankful for Obama's election and the sun shinning.

I Love Halloween!

I do love fall weather! The leaves, the colors, scarves hats and sweaters. I also found a new appreciation for Halloween. For the first time in a while, it felt good to dress up and not look like myself. A few friends and I wore wigs and somewhat tame costumes. We had a blast! My intent was to create a buffer for my wig wearing days and while fun, I am not entirely sold on them. It feels different when you are not trying to pull off fake hair for your own. I am oddly liberated with my super short cut right now and I am not sure if I will ever be ready for a wig. I am slowly, just getting over the loss. My hair is really short and thin. So what. The urge to explain what is going on and why my hair looks like it does feels exhausting. Not that many people really notice anyway. I love wearing hats anyway and look forward to adding more to my collection.