AA Shower

So I just found this towel online which will help with my aromatherapy oils at night. It is called the Hair Therapy Wrap. It's hilarious! But I am excited to get it because it heats up in the microwave and supposedly stays warm for 30 minutes. I read it was used by chemo patients for hair repair and sometimes just for hot oil treatment. I have been experimenting with bandannas, skullcaps and towels on the pillow. I can sleep in a skull cap now which is actually comfortable. It keeps me warm in the frigid temps.

While this item only set me back 20 bucks--this dis-ease is really getting expensive! WTF! I am thinking--would it be appropriate to throw a "Healing Shower"? I can set up my wish list on Amazon and it would read something like this:

Aromatherapy Oils 30.00/bottle
Hypnotherapy appointments 130.00/session
Relaxing Massage 60.00/session
Meditative CDs 25.00
Doctors Visit (5) 250.00/session
Cranial Prosthesis 200-300/item
Haircuts (past) 30.00/session
X-Fusion Lt brown 20.00/bottle
Organic Shampoo/Cond. 10.00/bottle

Would all my friends gather around me an "oh" and "ah" over the great gifts? Would they tell me how strong I am to go out in public alone and congratulate me on my success on maintaining a positive outlook throughout this experience? Tell me that they can't wait to see me with my new hair growing in looking fantastic...that would be great!

No, this is not as fun as a baby shower or wedding gifts but this is what it's costing to preserve my health and my sanity. My health care provider offers almost no support for treatment and quite frankly--it sucks! Would it be tacky to ask for donations?! I am sending good thoughts into the world that allow me to continue my self-care treatment without depleting my retirement account.

Relaxing and God??

So I bought this CD yesterday for self guided hypnosis. It is supposed to promote health and well being. I went through 2 sessions last night. One was for sleep and it actually helped drift off to sleep. Did it help that I was already really tired? Probably. But I really liked the suggestions to completely relax and I could feel my body responding.

My hair, while not a total buzz is almost gone on top. I hacked the hell out of what remained, I wanted to see what my head looks like. Since I don't have clippers, it reminds me of a little chick. Not as bad as I thought (the shape of my head I mean.) The hair really is gone though. The few sickly strands made me feel like a man fighting baldness with a bad comb over, so I cut it. I am not ashamed of the baldness. What alarms me is that so much of the self help books suggest my subconscious could have contributed to the loss. But all promise that there is an answer in side that can heal myself so I am encouraged by this. I have made a promise to myself that I would meditate every day to let go of the issues I may hold in my scalp. I still haven't admitted to myself that I do this. Most people that know me agree that I laugh a lot and let a lot pass. But in the meditation last night they said that the subconscious never forgets. I have an excellent memory of events so it makes sense that even if I told myself I was "over it" my mind/body was not.

For the first time in ages,this experience made me think about church. Why people go, what they get from it and what God is. The ritual reminds you weekly to let things pass, love one another and love yourself. The meditation seems similar. It makes more sense to me now.

Self-Hypnosis

One of the things that is great about my job at the library is I have constant access to information. There are so many books available to help when my curiosity is piqued.

I have been working with my therapist on relaxation techniques but I do find it hard to focus on my own. I was panicking the other day because I see more of my scalp and felt deeply saddened by it and I could not relax. With weeks until my next appointment, I picked up a book about self-hypnosis called Miraculous Health and again there is this theme that the body has the power to heal itself. That is so fascinating to me. I know there is truth to that, I just wish that our culture embraced it a little more so we can be reminded of it. I have watched The Secret and I do believe we can use our mind to do remarkable things. Its just that you have to really work at remembering and incorporating those techniques into your life. It's hard! I have been really taking good care of myself lately and luckily I have the time and resources to make my health a priority. But it does take a lot of effort as well.

Hypnosis is really just trying to get in close touch with your body and with concentration, reverse the negative effects. For short periods of time when I have a moment to relax I sit and focus on me in the future, with all my hair. I tell my body to fight for my health and to get my hair back. I am hoping that I can get better at these techniques so my recovery will be speedy. But I am reassured that hypnosis is an important part of healing and healthy living. I feel it!

Useful information

Well, I still have yet to shave my head. This is such a weird disease--it totally messes with your mind, its cruel. The one thing society is completely obsessed with, my body is rejecting. It's consuming and I am boring myself with it. I have to keep forgetting about it and get on with my life. It is getting easier though. I don't cry anymore and try to make jokes about how ridiculous this is. I want people around me to laugh about it too. I have started reading material other than self-help which I think is a good sign. But every once and a while I will frantically search the Internet and databases for information I've missed. Some miracle cure. I imagine if someone found it he/she would be a millionaire and everyone would be using it. But that's just how unpredictable the whole thing is. Every case is unique and no one knows what the hell is going on. I did come across something today that said it usually takes 3 months for re-growth to start. That is helpful if true. I would like to hear more things like this so I know what to expect. I need to start asking these questions to people who have gone through it.

I have been given many gifts during this process. People in my life have been enormously supportive in unexpected ways. No matter what my future holds I know that I will be a more sensitive and empathetic person. My friends and family are teaching me how to respond when others are experiencing hardship, and how not to. Perhaps that is the most useful information of all. Thank you thank you thank you!

Still Fighting

Emotions have been mixed lately, but mostly I feel really healthy, really good. I continue to do what feels good to me: working out, acupuncture, head massage, tanning bed, vitamin regimine and now, aloe vera juice. I am not super strick with my diet, but I am as healthy as possible without denying myself any pleasures. My therapist advised me to keep a list of positive things in my life. I remind myself daily, sometimes hourly, of how grateful I am but something prevents me from committing it to paper. I am seriously re-considering the shaved head. The remainder of my hair looks pathetic and I like the idea of concentrating on the growth, rather than the loss. Maybe this weekend...

I also joined a social networking site Alopecia World for those affected by hair loss. It's pretty cool so see so many people in the world going through the same thing. It's nice to know I am not alone out here, but I still straddle the line of complete acceptance. I believe my hair will grow back and I will feel whole again with a brand new perspective on health and happiness. (Can't I have it all?) I am confidant that at least the latter will come true.

I am thankful for so many things: my health, my family, my friends, and my ability to take really good care of myself. (baby steps)